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True Story

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

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The Prank

Here's one activity I'll have to leave off my college applications, Lexi thought as she shifted in her seat. The unofficial Prank Committee was meeting. Every year, tradition calls for a few seniors at Stanforth Academy to pull a practical joke on the school. It isn't exactly a school-sanctioned activity, but it isn't forbidden either. Which is why Lexi was now sitting at the Big Blend, sipping a smoothie and listening to the others discuss prank options. "No way can we loosen the bolts on every single school desk in one night," Carl was saying. He was the smartest guy in the class. If there were an election, he'd be voted Most Unlikely to Get Busted, which is why he was perfect for the prank.

"I like Tate's idea," Suzan chirped. She had red streaks in her hair today, to match her red-and-black paisley tights. Suzan was borderline goth, but — oddly enough — she had tons of school spirit. She was Lexi's best friend and the reason Lexi had agreed to help with the prank. "Let's go with that," Suzan said with a nod, "and soap flakes in the pool."

"Soap flakes are environmentally unfriendly," said a girl named Cat. "And I'm not sure it's ethical to bring a goat into the school." Lexi shot Suzan a sideways look. In her batik tie-dyed shirt and ripped jeans, Cat looked like a poster child for Earth First. She was president of the school's animal-rights group, and Lexi wasn't exactly sure how she ended up on the Prank Committee. "Why don't we just do what they did last year?" Cat suggested.

"Oh, please," Tate said, waving his hand dismissively. "That was so lame."

Even though she agreed, Lexi gritted her teeth. Tate could be amazingly annoying. OK, truth: She and Tate had a history. He'd placed a rubber snake in her lunch bag in third grade, and Lexi retaliated by smearing peanut butter in his gym shoes. They had never really gotten along since then, which was why Lexi was tempted to argue with him now. She resisted the urge.

"I agree," Suzan put in. "So the lunch tables were out in the quad — big deal."

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20 Things to do This Summer

1. Go barefoot
2. Catch a firefly
3. Toast a marshmallow
4. Play charades
5. Paddle a canoe
6. Visit a farmers' market
7. Get up and watch the sun rise
8. Have a barbecue
9. Get Take Home Chef Curtis Stone's grilling tips at people.com/summer.
10. Relax in a hammock
11. Find other ways to chill out at people.com/summer.
12. Sip a fruity drink through a straw
13. Go to the beach with The Hills' Lauren and Audrina at people.com/summer.
14. Fly a kite
15. Sleep under the stars
16. Run through a sprinkler
17. Eat ice cream from a cone
18. Skip a stone
19. Reread your favorite book
20. Build a campfire
21. Ride a Ferris wheel
22. Eat cotton candy
23. Throw a Frisbee

Discover the Facts You Need to Know About the World Pharmaceutical Market

Dublin - Research and Markets has announced the addition of "The World Pharmaceutical Markets Fact Book 2007" to their offering

Facts, figures, forecasts and statistics on pharmaceutical markets and companies around the world. The need to understand world pharmaceutical marketplaces, and be able to answer quickly those questions that arise daily, is essential. Therefore an authoritative, current and comprehensive market intelligence source is an invaluable aid for every executive. And that source is The World Pharmaceutical Markets Fact Book 2007.

The 318-page Fact Book brings together a range of often difficult to source information in one single, convenient publication. Keep it near to you at all times, or consider an electronic version to share with colleagues for the search and retrieval of specific information.

It covers 64 key countries and Performance information on 80 major companies The Fact Book presents financial performance figures on leading companies from Abbott and AstraZeneca to UCB and Watson.

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Mole Breakfast

Once upon a time there lived a mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole, all living in a quaint little mole hole outside of a farm house in the country.

One morning Papa Mole poked his head out of the hole, inhaled deeply and sighed, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”

At that, Mama Mole poked her little head outside of the hole, sniffed loudly, and remarked, “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.”

Baby Mole tried to push his head outside the hole too, but was completely blocked out by his parents, who were much larger than he. Sulky, Baby Mole sat back down and pouted, “Phooey! All I can smell is molasses!”

Don't Mess

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

Vodka Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Karate Wedding